1. Grace and courtesy skills should be taught very early
2. These skills have both a narrow application (home, classroom) and a broad one (community, world)
3. Grace and courtesy skills are essential to a happy, healthy life

As you can see from the previous post, the skills of grace and courtesy are extensive and there is much overlap. A child who reaches elementary without having mastered the preschool skills will need to learn those before moving on, and throughout each level, children need reminding, repetition, and much practice to keep their skills fresh. It’s easy for them to forget what they’ve learned if they don’t use their skills, so look for ways that they can apply them frequently in every day life.

Most people would agree that good etiquette is in short supply today. People have forgotten the social niceties that used to be a natural part of the community. Parents often allow rude behavior at home (not knowing what else to do), and children carry those practices into schools and neighborhoods. It doesn’t have to be that way, though.

There are lots of books and other resources that can help with grace and courtesy lessons. Here are some recommendations:

Websites:

Montessori World: Grace and Courtesy
Education World: Manners Article

Books:

365 Manners Kids Should Know by Sheryl Eberly

Emily’s Everyday Manners by Peggy Post

Also, there’s a series of 4 books by Munro Leaf that were written in the 1930’s and ‘40s that are still fun today. They’re a little outdated, but the illustrations are charming and the message of courtesy comes through loud and clear (see the first 4 books at this link).

Munro Leaf Manners Books

Sometimes it feels like an uphill battle, but if we are consistent with the lessons of grace and courtesy, it will pay off in the end as the children in our lives grow into kind, polite, thoughtful adults.

Toddler:

Eating Habits
* Using fork and spoon correctly
* Chewing food with mouth closed
* Asking to be excused from a meal
* Sitting quietly in chair during meal

Toilet Training
* How and when to go to the bathroom

Proper Hygiene
* How to wash hands
* How to brush teeth correctly
* How to blow your nose quietly

Preschool:

Social Skills
* How to greet people, using titles of respect when indicated
* How to shake hands when greeting someone

Manners
* How to excuse oneself when walking in front of someone
* How to interrupt when necessary
* How to hand objects to another person, especially sharp objects like scissors or
knives
* How to say “please” and “thank you”

Care of Environment
* How to care for a pet
* How to water a plant correctly
* How to clean up a spill
* How to open and shut a door quietly
* How to pick up and carry a chair correctly

Elementary:

Social Skills
* How to work with another person
* How to resolve conflict
* How to mediate between friends
* How to help a younger child

Manners
* Writing a thank-you note
* Speaking politely to friends, family, and teachers
* Being kind to others (treat them the way you want to be treated)

Environment
* How to care for plants and animals
* Setting up a table for a meal
* How to clean and straighten a classroom or room at home
* How to serve in the community
* Recycling and other ways to care for the earth

A sample presentation:

The teacher would call the children together on the line, and place a chair in the middle of the circle. (All the lessons of grace and courtesy are group lessons). She would pick up the chair correctly (from the side, one hand on the back and one hand under the seat) and carry it to a table. Then she would bring the chair back and invite each child, in turn, to carry the chair the same way.

Once the presentation has been given, the teacher would look for times when the children could exercise their new skill (“Bobby, could you please bring a chair over here?”) and also look for times when an individual might need a re-presentation if they are not doing the skills correctly.

Finding ways to contribute to the community is a favorite activity of young children. It takes their focus of off themselves and provides a sense of belonging and satisfaction. Activities can be as simple as picking up litter from a park, bringing food to a food pantry, recycling, or visiting senior citizens. Older children can volunteer at various community centers, or organize larger projects such as fund-raising for worthy causes.

Some schools I’ve been at have had food drives for local food pantries, held bake sales to raise money for charity, or visited retirement homes at holiday times to sing to the elderly. Whatever activities they choose, it’s important that they understand what they are doing and why. Take a few minutes before a field trip or when planning a fund-raiser to talk about what they are doing and how it benefits other people.

Care for Plants and Animals

One very important aspect of grace and courtesy is talking about the correct way to treat plants and animals. When I was a 3-6 assistant, one little boy took a hole punch from the art area and started punching holes in the leaves of a plant. The other teacher and I were shocked, but we realized that he was driven by curiosity. Rather than getting angry, we used it as a “teachable moment” for the whole class. We talked about the ways that plants help us (providing oxygen, shade, food, beauty, homes for animals, etc.) and why we should respect and care for them.

Kindness towards animals is very important too, and it’s nice to have some animals in the classroom or home so that the correct way of caring for them can be demonstrated. Care of plants and animals has a global application – children are usually interested to learn about the destruction of the rain forest and various animals that are on the verge of extinction. They may decide to get involved in one of these causes if they desire, by writing letters, educating friends and family, or raising money.

Grace and Courtesy for Our Planet

Taking children’s efforts to a worldwide level is the goal of the elementary classroom. First comes knowledge; children must know the world to be able to contribute to it. Geography, civics, history, cultures, and science are such important foundational studies. Travel – as a family or a class – is an incredible way to learn about new places. Exchange student programs are a wonderful way to accomplish this; one Montessori school where I worked had an exchange program for 6th graders. They would spend part of the year in Japan, and children from Japan would visit us for part of the year, since the children at our school studied Japanese starting in first grade.

A classroom or family can support a child (or two) through one of the many child support agencies (World Relief, Compassion International) and write letters or send postcards to that child. It’s a great way for kids to learn more about another country and culture, as well as to let them see firsthand that most children around the world do not have the blessings that those of us in developed countries do.

The Time to Learn is Now

The child’s family and classroom is really their microcosm for understanding how the global world interacts. If they can learn conflict resolution and communication skills in a smaller, comfortable environment, they will be able to use those same skills when they are in college, starting a new job, traveling, or organizing a group of people. It’s very difficult for those skills to be learned in adulthood; the time to start is with youngest children. Children will imitate what they see, so make sure that your own attitude towards others is generous, kind, and forgiving. Kids are always watching!

Once the conference began, I was amazed to see how many different topics fell under the umbrella of grace and courtesy. Care of the classroom environment, social situations, friendships, care for the earth and its inhabitants, and the Montessori approach to high school, “Erdkinder” were among the topics covered.

Defining Grace and Courtesy

So how do we define “grace and courtesy” in the Montessori classroom? The best definition I’ve seen is that grace and courtesy should promote harmony in every level of human existence, large and small:

At a small level:
…within each person
…in relationships
…within families

At a larger level:
…in the community
…throughout the world

Today I will focus on grace and courtesy at the small level; next time, I’ll talk about how those ideas can be applied to the larger world; in the last post of this series I’ll cover the presentations of grace and courtesy that are essential to early education.

Grace and Courtesy in Inner Life

How does a child go about having inner harmony? As many of us have observed, the child in the Montessori classroom is allowed many choices. Each child’s inner life is as distinctive as their fingerprints; having the freedom to choose their work (and all the details that go with it) gives them a chance to express their true selves.

Whenever I meet older children who completed both the Montessori preschool and elementary programs, they come across as different from their peers. It’s hard to explain, but they seem more centered, more self-confident, more knowledgeable, and less easily swayed by outside influences than other kids their age.

In short, they know themselves. Self-knowledge is so important, yet it’s not the goal of traditional education. If anything, traditional education wants you to forget who you are as an individual and think only of who you are in relationship to the group. There is no chance to develop self-awareness when you are completing a pre-determined curriculum and graded on your performance within an inch of your life. Montessori education aims to reverse that paradigm.

Grace and Courtesy in Relationships

Harmony between people (a few or a lot) is part of the social skills and conflict resolution that should be the core of any Montessori classroom. Establishing “ground rules” with the help of the children is very important at the beginning of each school year. Role-playing and discussion should be done throughout the year so that children know how they should treat others – and how they should expect to be treated.

Teachers and parents should be careful observers of child/child interaction. Sometimes intervention is necessary (for instance, if there is bullying or name-calling). Other times, behavior can be addressed at line time or group time without mentioning names; situations can be put forth to the group for input or analysis. Children enjoy brainstorming about ways to resolve conflict; having them think of their own solutions means they are much more likely to implement them.

Grace and Courtesy in Family Life

The home environment is often the least harmonious. Why is this? Home is the place where children feel comfortable trying out misbehavior. They know that parents are their first and most important educators, and expect – even crave – teaching and discipline as they grow and learn. I’ve been doing a lot of reading about this area and I hope to have more posts about it soon. Suffice it to say that having a harmonious home should be the goal of every parent, but is not a goal that is quickly achievable; it takes a great deal of commitment and consistency, and results may not be seen for years.

The Foundation of Civilized Society

It’s obvious that skills of grace and courtesy are deeper and more complicated than simply teaching children how to shake hands or hold open a door (although those are important things to know). They go to the roots of how we behave towards one another and the world around us. Attention to grace and courtesy can often be the deciding factor in the formation of rewarding friendships; whether or not someone lands a job; whether or not marriages succeed. Paying attention to the area of grace and courtesy when children are young will benefit them greatly as they enter adulthood.