Is It Okay for Children to Think They’re Special?
“Oh sweetie, you’re so special.”
I found myself saying this to my 6-year-old daughter the other day and afterward, began to think about the implications of that statement.
This MSN Mental Health article warns us that the results of a 24-year-long survey of college students indicate a serious rise in a narcissistic approach to living.
“We need to stop endlessly repeating ‘You’re special’ and having children repeat that back,” said the study’s lead author, Professor Jean Twenge of San Diego State University. “Kids are self-centered enough already.” I’m not sure I agree with this statement, but I do think it’s important to consider how we praise children and the kind of feedback we give them.
The hallmarks of narcissism are:
- lack of empathy
- inability to cope with criticism
- favoring self over all others, to the detriment of personal and business relationships
- manipulative and deceitful behavior
- controlling and violent behavior
According to the survey, today’s college students are much more prone than their predecessors to answer yes to statements like these:
I think I am a special person.
If I ruled the world, it would be a better place.
I can live my life any way I want to.
When I look at data like this, I find it noteworthy that one can view such statements as either a sign of terrific confidence or of a sign that someone is on the verge of developing a Napoleon complex. If living life the way you want to means you’re going to go tend to injured dolphins in the Pacific Ocean, that sounds great to me. But if it means you want to conquer another country and rule them with a dictatorial hand…we may have a problem here. I think this dilemma calls for a re-examination of the phrase self-esteem.
What Is Healthy Self-Esteem?
Most experts agree that having healthy self-esteem includes being able to accurately assess yourself and your strengths and weaknesses. It does not mean that you think you are perfect, or better than anyone else. It means that we see ourselves as valuable contributors to our families and communities; we have something worthwhile to offer.
If children are spoiled or indulged, or alternately ignored or criticized, it becomes difficult for them to to have true humility, to make the effort of self-improvement, and to recognize the rights of others. Children are intrinsically valuable, simply for existing. While they absolutely should learn about the importance of making moral choices, their self-worth cannot be completely based on their behavior. Our love and approval should be unconditional, and when we are disappointed by their poor choices, our message should be clear: we disapprove of what you’ve done, but not of who you are.
The Importance of Unconditional Love
It’s natural and normal for parents to view their children as miraculous, astonishing and wonderful little people. Infants and children must feel cherished and loved in order to develop normally, both physically and emotionally. In loving families, new babies elicit a reaction of absolute delight just by being themselves! While I recognize the hazard of heaping a child with meaningless praise, I am equally convinced of the hazard of not giving young children any recognition and appreciation.
In this life, we are all destined to run into both good and bad apples when we make forays into the world. We meet people who respect us and others who want to take advantage of us. But never again do we meet with a quality of acceptance quite as magnificent as the one we knew as children, if our parents loved us. I believe that parents and teachers who demonstrate clearly to children that they have inherent value simply because they exist, are doing the most important thing they can to protect children from being deceived and abused by the bad apples they will run into in adulthood.
A grown woman may refuse to accept an abusive boyfriend’s belittling image of herself. A grown man may stand up to a situation that is beneath his dignity in the workplace. All because, once upon a time, important adults told them they were valuable.
It Starts with Us
Maria Montessori taught that the child’s work was to attain a discernment between good and evil. The child’s cues come from us – the grownups. This means that our first work is to examine our own moral code and be mindful of the examples we are setting. Do you know what determines all of our values and behavior? Relationships. It is our relationships that shape us. The importance of having supportive adults in a child’s life simply cannot be overstated.
The best thing is that teachers and parents can do is to consistently love, care, protect, and encourage the children in their care. It’s okay for kids to know that they are special to the people who love them. If they are given unconditional love, moral guidance, and constructive feedback regarding their behavior, children will develop healthy self-esteem that leads to good choices and success further down the road.
“While I recognize the hazard of heaping a child with meaningless praise, I am equally convinced of the hazard of not giving young children any recognition and appreciation.”
Lori, I couldn’t agree more. When I was a child I went through a period of time when it seemed as though everyone at school picked on me. I was made fun of, called names, and even physically pushed around by some of the other kids. If it weren’t for the unconditional love and praise I received at home I doubt I would have had any confidence at all. I knew my parents loved me no matter what and our home was a safe haven. Ultimately God used all of it to make me a more compassionate person than I think I would have otherwise become. I’m quite sure it’s affected my parenting if nothing else.
Hi, Andrea! So glad you stopped by. I think it’s a fine line – we don’t want to overpraise, but we do want to offer honest feedback and support for the children in our lives. It really helps to point out their accomplishments (they may not even realize they’ve done something noteworthy until we do) and let them draw their own conclusions.
Another point is to insist that they treat others fairly and respectfully, so that they do not grow up thinking that they are “better” than other people – which seemed to be a hazard of overpraising as mentioned in the study.
I think we absolutely want our children to think that they are precious and special; we just want them to realize that everyone else’s children are precious and special too!
We talk a lot about self-esteem, but I think a more valuable concept is “self-efficacy,” a belief that you can impact your life and your world. I think that is one of the most important things we can help our children develop. Heaping them with non-contingent praise, however, doesn’t necessarily do that. (And some recent research suggests, in fact, that constantly praising children for their ATTRIBUTES (e.g., “you’re so smart”) may actually undermine that). Praising them for their EFFORT (e.g., “you worked really hard on that;” or “I admired the way that you kept trying until you figured that out”) may be more effective.
Also, we can show children our regard for them and their work by giving our attention, without passing judgement. Just standing alongside a child while she is painting, for example, and watching or making comments (“You are using a lot of blue there;”) or asking questions (“What were you imagining when you chose that ?”; “Would you like to tell me about your work”?) is probably more meaningful than a ton of verbal praise (“Wow, that’s amazing, you’re such a great artist, that’s the most beautiful picture ever,” etc.), which may be seen as insincere by the child. Also, constantly praising teaches children to look for praise to validate their efforts, rather than enjoying the work for its own sake and developing their own evaluation of their efforts.
Great article Lori! Timely and practical. I would simply add how Dr. Montessori’s philosophy helps the child see themselves as part of the universe first then …. the perceive one’s self as solitary and unique rather than the other way around. It’s part of cosmic education ( I know, that is a loaded concept within Montessori education but hey, still valid) and one of our jobs, as educators, is to hold up the ideal of one’s uniqueness within the world. The two go hand in hand.
Great comments here and on Facebook! It’s one of those topics that can be talked about a lot because there’s so many facets. What do we mean by “special”? I think often we mean “unique”, but children take it to mean that they are better than others, as the study shows.
I tell my children all the time that they are smart and creative. I don’t use the word “special” a lot (which is why I was surprised to hear it come out of my mouth), because it seems rather general and something you could say to just about anyone.
Marny, I love your focus on “self-efficacy”, and the idea that anyone can make a positive change in the world is very definitely Montessori! It’s something I could probably focus more on with my children.
My Mom always made sure she pointed out when I was considerate, kind, thoughtful, or empathetic. Now I find myself using the same words and phrases when I work with young children. It seems to work well in terms of praising behavior we want to see again and making children feel as if their actions or way of being has been recognized in a positive way.
It’s great to draw attention to those kinds of positive characteristics – I find that my children begin to notice them in other people as well.