What You Might Not Know About ‘Stranger Danger’
Adam Walsh. Polly Klaas. Elizabeth Smart. Jessica Lunsford. Madeleine McCann.
Children are abducted by total strangers so rarely that when it happens, their names are seared into our consciousness forever.
Here’s the trouble: when we teach children about safety practices, most of what we say involves “stranger danger”, even though stranger abduction is rare. We give them little to no guidance when it comes to avoiding more common offenses, like sexual assault by a friend or relative.
The Problem with Stranger Danger
I’d like “stranger danger” to be tossed aside. It’s unhelpful and confusing. There’s a better way to teach kids about safety, and while it’s a tiny bit more complicated, in the end it gives them the information they need to make good decisions about personal safety.
Let’s talk a little bit more about “stranger danger”. Why doesn’t it work? Aside from the fact that stranger abduction is extremely rare, the bottom line is that the word “stranger” triggers a certain feeling in children. They picture someone ugly and mean-looking who could be identified from a mile away as an unsafe person.
It’s Hard to Tell Just by Looking
To most children, a friendly person is automatically a friend, not a stranger. Simply saying hello to someone (and having it said back in return) makes them think they know this person. This is especially true if it’s someone they see around from time to time, like a neighbor down the block. But they don’t realize that the person in question is still, essentially, a stranger. And you can’t always tell if someone is bad or good by how they look.
My children have both attended a program at our park district called “Safety Town”. It’s a two-week summer session intended to teach kids about all kinds of safety. They cover swimming safety, bus safety, traffic safety, winter safety, and more. I think it’s fantastic. Except…except for the day they spend on stranger safety.
After a local police officer talks to the children about stranger danger, they are given a coloring book with pictures of potential scenes (a stranger offering candy; a stranger asking a child to help him look for his missing puppy). The stranger is drawn in a way that is purposely creepy and scary looking! What a disservice. This reinforces the idea that someone bad can be identified as such based on looks, and that someone nice looking couldn’t possibly be bad.
What Kids Really Need to Know
Is there a better way? There absolutely is, and I’m determined to spread the word about it. This new way of teaching safety was developed by Julie Clark (founder of Baby Einstein) and John Walsh (of America’s Most Wanted fame). Together, they’ve come up with a way for kids to put the adults in their lives into three categories:
1. The “Safe Adults”. This is a very small group, consisting only of the child’s parents, a grandparent or two, and a trusted friend. The parents will determine who goes in this group and teach their child exactly who belongs in this group. It’s best to keep this group to 3-4 people.
This people in this “Safe Adults” group are the ONLY people that the child is allowed to go with when leaving school, church, or any other place. If they are playing at a park and someone they know (who is not a Safe Adult) pulls the car up and asks them to hop in, they DON’T go.
That’s because of group number two…
2. The “Kinda Knows”. This is the group that includes all the people the child sees on a regular basis who aren’t in the Safe Adult group. That can be the dentist, doctor, soccer coach, mail carrier, neighbors, friend’s parents, scout leader, uncles, and aunts, and on and on. It’s a big group.
Without pointing fingers at any one type of “Kinda Knows”, it is people from this group, unfortunately, who often end up abusing children that they come in contact with. Children trust this group of people – the people whose faces are part of their everyday lives – and it’s easy for someone unscrupulous to take advantage of that trust.
Right about now you might be thinking, “My kid’s [pick one] neighbor/dentist/baseball coach is a wonderful person! They would never hurt my child!” Well, I do hope that’s true and it often is. The trouble is, just as it’s hard for a child to know who is “bad” and “good” based on appearances, it’s also hard for adults to judge character based on the sometimes slight interaction we have with the “Kinda Knows” in our lives.
As many a brokenhearted adult who was sexually abused as a child can tell you, the person who committed the vile deeds was an upstanding member of the community whom no one would have suspected. In fact, as a child they may have even told another adult about the abuse only to have their story dismissed because it was too ridiculous to believe. But it was true.
Your child can have a wonderful relationship with the “Kinda Knows”. My kids chat with the people at the post office, at Starbucks, at the grocery store, down the block. But they only do it when I’m there. That’s the key. Absolutely nothing can replace adult supervision. Since I can’t know what anyone’s intentions really are regarding my kids, I would rather err on the side of caution.
Which leads us to group three…
3. The “Don’t Knows”. This group is the most like the traditional “strangers” we hear so much about. This is anyone that a child doesn’t know. They are treated just like group 2 (Kinda Knows): the child is never to go anywhere with a “Don’t Know”, or give them any information about themselves. They can only talk to a “Don’t Know” when one of their Safe Adults (group 1) is present.
The “Stranger Safety” DVD
You might be thinking that this sounds a little complicated. It is, a little. But John & Julie have produced a DVD that presents this information in a fun, memorable way so that kids really understand it. It covers more than just the three people groups, too, including what to do if someone you don’t know knocks on your front door, and how to know if a “Kinda Know” or “Don’t Know” is getting too close and invading a child’s personal space. (See the end of this post for info on buying the DVD).
At this point, you might think that you can simply explain the “Safe Adult/Kinda Knows/Don’t Knows” approach to your child and skip buying the DVD. I wouldn’t recommend it. Children are frequently visual learners, and the DVD uses humor, music, and sample situations to really make sure kids have internalized the concepts. It’s for kids 5 and over, and as always, I recommend that you watch it by yourself first to make sure it’s appropriate for your kids and so you can intelligently discuss it with them.
Making a Difference
In addition to the original Stranger Safety DVD, there is also one for older children on Internet safety. Another very, very important topic. And just to be completely transparent, let me state for the record that I receive nothing in exchange for sales of these DVDs. I am recommending them based completely on their own merits.
Please consider buying one for yourself and a friend or relative with young children. Gather a group of kids in your home (with the parents’ permission, of course) and show the DVD to everyone. Loan it to a teacher, or give your used copy to a library. I gave a copy to my kids’ pediatrician, and sent one to the local police station. None of us can reach everybody, but all of us can reach somebody.
For more information, visit Julie Clark & John Walsh’s website The Safe Side. They have a Safe Side Store where you can purchase the DVDs, CDs, activity packs, and more.
Thank you for this important information and valuable resources!
Thanks, Mariah! This is a cause I feel very strongly about, so I’m happy to get the word out.
I thought of something later that might seem confusing – on one hand, I talk about how the words “stranger danger” don’t really work at helping a child know how to stay safe.
On the other hand, the DVD I recommend is called “Stranger Safety”. The DVD itself doesn’t actually use the word “stranger” at all, only Safe Adult/Kinda Knows/Don’t Knows.
They used “stranger” in the DVD title because that’s how we usually talk about it, which helps people to know what the DVD is about.
Thank you, Lori! I just ordered two DVDs, “Stranger Safety” and the Internet safety one. My kindergartener is just starting to use the computer, and I haven’t figured out how to approach the safety issue yet (he’s within view and only visits the starfall.com phonics site–at this point he doesn’t know how to get anywhere else, but that won’t last long, I’m sure!). All three of my kids are very outgoing and friendly, which has its drawbacks…we’ve had the stranger danger talk before, and still my daughter will latch on to almost anyone she meets. I love the concepts you outlined and can’t wait til the DVDs arrive. Great recommendation!
Lori,
This was informative and wonderfully written. I remember being terrified each year as a child when the police officer would come talk to my elementary school about “strangers”. I had nightmares for weeks! This is presented in a non-fearful, yet concrete way for even the youngest of children to understand.
Hi, Michelle! It’s such a fine line between letting kids know that there are “bad” people out there, but not scaring them like you mention. I think the key is giving them a plan so they know what to do in each situation – it’s a cliche, but knowledge is power.
No doubt, it is a very important issue that all parents must address – and one that requires ongoing, open communication with their children.
The single most important thing to remember when teaching your children about stranger danger is to instill confidence, rather than fear.